U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
