So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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