Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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