he wants to bone in the snuggie
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Randomize
