if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
