BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
