I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
