I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
