Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
