I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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