i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
