Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
