I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
