If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
