You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
