u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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