i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Randomize
