Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
