you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish you could order shots online.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
