just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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