Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
