I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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