It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
