I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
