im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
