You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Also, beer. Big fan.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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