just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
