I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
