Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
