I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
