The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
