I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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