Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
as a side note pls kill me
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