she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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