We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
