I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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