Don't make out with my wife yet
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
