you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
