who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
