The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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