I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
