yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
