So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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