I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
did i just pee glitter
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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