Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
