I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
