Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
