u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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