You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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