I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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