I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize