dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dicks are not precious.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
