got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
