she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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