First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize