Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
