my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
