I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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