i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
