He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
