Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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