I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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