i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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