Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She bit a glass in half.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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