On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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